Friday, February 20, 2015

Well, today was the day.  The day that I never forget.  The day I always wonder.  The day I'll never get over losing my baby.  I know I'll probably be 100 and still know there's something missing in my life.

I did ok today.  The weather was rather fitting as it was ugly and overcast today and rained some off and on.  I shed a few tears on the way to work.  That's nothing compared to the number of tears of shed when I took my lunch break and went to Dollar Tree to buy the balloons.  I walked in and told the cashier what I needed.  When she gave me a quizzical look, I then briefly told her my story to explain why I wanted so many balloons.  Of course, this was the day everyone in the store wanted balloons so I got some other looks in addition to "quizzical".  LOL I told them "sorry" but I was there first!  It seemed to take forever for the cashier to put helium in 25 balloons.  I got 23 balloons(mostly blue but got a few other colors as well as one with sports stuff on it) for Tyler.  I got 1 "Happy Birthday" since today IS his birthday.  I also got a pink one with "Princess" on it for my boss since she lost a baby girl in a similar situation, and she claims that she is the Queen of the World.  Really.  It's on her business card, and she is wearing her tiara in her driver's license photo.  ;)  Anyway, I got the balloons, paid for them, and wrangled them SOMEHOW into my 4-door sedan.  Yeah...it was no easy task.  I was kinda hoping I had brought someone to help me with the balloons or at least take a video of my hilarious moves to keep ALL the balloons from floating away.  However, I got my exercise and all 25 balloons into the car and went on my way back to work.  I decided to give Boss Lady her balloon first and let her decide if she wanted to keep it or release it when I released my balloons.  That's when I lost it.  I came back in, clocked in and proceeded to her office.  I told her, "I hope you don't mind, but I got J a balloon, too," and the floodgates opened wide.  We were both crying and hugging, supporting each other.  From that moment on this afternoon, I didn't sob, but I did cry silently for most of the time I remained at the office.  By the time I left, I was emotionally exhausted.  I was ready to get the balloon release over with and done, go pick up Trevor from school, and go home to eat and go to bed.  Around 3:30 I shut down my computer and clocked out.  I took a Sharpie and wrote a few messages on the balloons from me, Tori, Trevor, and his dad.  My boss and a few coworkers wanted to be part of the release, and I can't tell you how much that meant to me that they would want to take part in something they had no history of just to support me at a time that they know is difficult for me.  After all the balloons were handed out, I said that maybe we should say a few words or pray or something, but it couldn't be me because I was about to break down and cry.  So boss lady suggests we sing "Happy Birthday".  Singing that also makes me cry, but I agreed it was a great idea so we all sang and then let all my balloons go.  It was really cool and cathartic to see them float toward the sky, up, up, and away toward my baby boy.  Then boss lady and her husband released their balloon.  We all hugged and cried.  I felt warm-hearted and loved to have so much support from my work family.

Here is a pic my coworker took:


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