Thursday's Child

What does it mean to be a Thursday's child?  It is based on an Old English poem called "Monday's Child" about the days of the week, and here is one version of it:

Monday's child is fair of face.
Tuesday's child is full of grace.
Wednesday's child is full of woe.
Thursday's child has far to go.
Friday's child is loving and giving.
Saturday's child works hard for his living.
Sunday's child(or the child born on the Sabbath) is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

There is a traditional meaning of Thursday's child saying that the child has far to go as in far in life without any limitations while the more modern interpretation of the poem states that a Thursday's child has far to go as in will have limitations and obstacles to overcome in his or her life.

It's been 28 years.  My Tyler was a Thursday's child, and I would say he had far to go as Heaven is far away.  He was born sleeping, or as was more commonly termed at one time, stillborn, on Thursday, February 20, 1992 around 3 pm on a cold, bleak afternoon.  One could also argue that had he been born alive, his existence may have been truer to the modern interpretation of the Thursday's child.  If he had been born alive, he more than likely would have had physical and/or mental and/or development delays or issues.  Some would say, and probably did say, that I/we as his parent(s) was/were spared from having a child with such issues and health problems.  Possibly so, but do we really know?  I honestly would have loved to have had the chance to find out, but that wasn't to be.  Twenty-eight years later it seems like so long ago, but yet, there are times when it feels like it just happened the other day.  Then there are times when I honestly wonder if it even happened at all.  I know it did, but the whole experience seems so surreal and another lifetime ago.  I don't really have a whole lot to write about this year that isn't new.  I just found it interesting one day that it dawned on me that this February 20 would also fall on a Thursday as it did in 1992.  I had heard this poem probably the same year or next after Tyler's demise.  I was traveling with the kids' father to a nearby suburb of Dallas while he was working/performing, and I was in our motel room watching Suzanne Somers on Sally Jesse Raphael I believe.  For those of you that aren't familiar with SJR, she used to have a talk show back in the day along with Oprah Winfrey, Phil Donahue, etc.  Anyway, Suzanne Somers was on the show discussing her book called Wednesday's Children, a book about abuse. Wednesday's child is full of woe according to the poem.  Since then, I found the poem to be quite interesting kind of in the same way of Adler's theory about birth order.  The next February 20 to fall on a Thursday will be in 2025.

Another year has passed, and I still haven't gotten the desired tattoo I have spoken of, but I will get it one day.  It just isn't in the budget at this time.  I also am still loosely working on my children's book, Tyler's Footprints.  I have added a subtitle:  Budded on Earth to Bloom in Heaven.  It actually was the suggestion of my friend Laura Eckroat, who is also a children's book author.  I have at least set a goal for this book.  I want it to come out around the fall/Christmastime of 2021.  One, that gives me plenty more time to write it, tweak it, etc., and two, I want it to come out right before the 30th anniversary of Tyler being born sleeping, which will be February 20, 2022.  

That's about it for this annual posting.  I think about him often as does others in our family.  I guess I'll always feel guilty to some degree, and I'll always wonder what his life would be like now.  I do believe I'll see him again, and it'll be interesting to see if and when he was right there with me, and I didn't even know it.  That's something to ponder.  

Until next time, my angel baby.  May you continue to rest in peace and watch over us.  

Good night, my Thursday's child....

Dear Angel Baby,

Happy Birthday!  It's the big 2-7.  Wow!  Today has been a gloomy day.  I don't mean the weather.  It was actually quite sunny but cool.  My mood has been gloomy today.  I've got a lot on my mind.  I'm depressed and worried about a lot of things.  I'm not working right now so there's worry about money and finding a new job and all the adjusting that comes with it.  Learning a new job.  Learning the people and their functions and personalities.  Writing a new book and hoping to write another book this year.  I'm sorry to dump on you.  I should quit worrying and count my blessings and have faith all will be ok because in the end, I know it will be.

The word that keeps coming to my mind is TIME.  TIME has gone by so darn quickly.  I can't believe it's been 27 years today since you were born.  It was a Thursday. This TIME that day 27 years ago I was probably asleep.  After I had delivered you and was taken to my room, I later started running a fever that concerned the doctor because of a risk of infection.  I slept a lot that night. It broke overnight-Thank God-and I went home the next day, which was a Friday.  When I woke up that morning, I turned on my right side and stared out my hospital room at downtown Dallas.  I don't even know what I was looking at.  I just know it was Dallas, and it was downtown.  After I was discharged from the hospital, Daddy drove me home to Mammaw and Pappaw's house, and Granny followed to visit.  The weekend was a blur.  I felt like a zombie just going through the motions.  I stayed in my gown and housecoat.  I kept trying to figure out which classes I was going to take the next semester at school. I'm assuming I ate but have no recollection of eating.  How did everything go so badly so quickly?  I still don't know.  Could I/we still have children?  Of course, we did, and now they're adults!  Your sister is in her third year of teaching, and your brother is in his senior year in college as a Math major.  Again, where did the TIME go???

I keep thinking back to that day.  I had to be at the hospital at a certain TIME.  They started my Pitocin drip at a certain TIME.  I got my epidural at a certain TIME.  I was examined every 15 minutes.  TIME had to be monitored for everything.  You made your entrance at a certain TIME.  3:00 PM.  I so wish on that day I had taken the TIME for several things instead of zoning out and trying to pretend the horror of losing you and then having to deliver your dead body wasn't really happening.  But it was.  I lost myself in Popeye cartoons until it was all over and then moved to my stark room on the 7th floor.  Fear dictated my actions that day, and I let it.  I now wish I had taken the TIME to hold you in my arms no matter how unbearably hard it was.  I wish I had taken the TIME to cry, to scream, to weep, to grieve.  I wish I had taken the TIME to take pictures, even family pictures, no matter how heartbroken we were so I could have something to remember you by other than a very small, doll-sized set of footprints.  I wish I had taken the TIME to hold you close to my chest and take in your scent.  I wish I had taken the TIME to hold your little hands in mine and count every little finger.  I wish I had taken the TIME to hold those tiny feet, the same ones that used to kick me and cause those sweet little flutters, letting me know there was life growing inside me.  I wish I had taken the TIME to take in all your features and trace them with my finger.  I wish I had taken the TIME to give your life, however short it was, some dignity.  I wish I had taken the TIME to be your mother if only for a few minutes.  Perhaps even sing you a lullaby while I rocked you.  I wish we could have had more TIME together.  I wish I had taken the TIME to say "goodbye".  I chose not to see you because I knew at some TIME I'd have to give you up and let you go.  At the TIME I just couldn't bear to do it, but now...Now I wish I had taken the TIME. 

Well, those are my thoughts for today.  I think about you all the TIME.  There's that word again.  I know there will come a TIME that we get to meet again.  Until then...same TIME, next year, dear boy.

Love,
Mom

I didn't post anything on or around Tyler's born date this year and am finally posting an update.  Life goes on as usual, but not a day goes by that I don't wonder or think about him.  I didn't post an update or do a balloon release or write a letter this year. Honestly, I wasn't quite sure what I wanted or needed to do so I just sat on it for a while.  In addition to that, I was trying to get some dental work done when I found out just how high my blood pressure was and was working on trying to get that under control when tragedy struck our family.  On February 28 my oldest brother Bruce was in a motorcycle accident, and on March 11 he passed away from his injuries.  For the past 6 months we have all been dealing with our loss, and no, it hasn't gotten any easier.  But, I'm going to save that for a later blog.

Since I'm a children's book author and have been saying I'm going to write a book called Tyler's Footprints, I think it's about time I actually put some quality time into that project.  It's time to write another book, and my heart is leading me to write this one...finally.  I know I have two main goals for this book:  1) I want to do it justice and not half-ass.  I want to write a book that Tyler would be proud of if it's going to bear his name.  2) I want to help other children (and hopefully parents, too) with the subject of sibling loss whether it's similar to our story or not.  It's confusing and there are a lot of questions that go unanswered as an adult so I can imagine the thoughts and emotions that a child have when they learn their sibling is dying or has died or died before their own existence.  I believe things happen for a reason and that it's God's plan so this book will be religious/spiritual based, but I also don't want it to sound too preachy or explanations to sound too simplistic or have a sense of non-chalance to them.  I hope it can help kids grasp a faith-based understanding of why that their little heads can wrap their minds around it.  Sounds like an easy task, right?  Not for this ol' gal, but I'm going to do my best.  This will probably be one of the hardest books for me to write because as you can imagine, I'm going to get all up in my head and my feels.  For this I'm going to need a lot of solitude so I can have my meltdowns if they come, which they probably will.  I'm going to need to do a lot of research.  Since my current employment is about to come to an end in a few weeks, and I'll be taking a break, I believe I'll have that time I need to focus on this project and hopefully many others.  I honestly would like for Tyler's Footprints to come out next Christmas.  This Christmas would be nice, but I don't want to rush it, and I don't believe I'll have it justifiably done by this Christmas.  Also, there is/are illustrator(s) I'll need to hire, and that will depend on what kind of budget I have while I'm "taking a break" on unemployment and then consequently my next source of employment.  So...watch for Tyler's Footprints out next fall/Christmas season.  Any prayers or good vibes you'd like to send my way would be appreciated.  Thank you and God bless!

Happy Birthday, my angel baby Tyler!

It's been 25 years since you were born sleeping.  I'll never forget that day.  I'll  never forget the feelings of loss, heartbreak, guilt, helplessness, and despair.  And the list of emotions just goes on and on...I just keep trying to think God had something more special planned for you than for you to remain on Earth so he ascended you to Heaven.  You were budded on Earth to bloom in Heaven.  And, my dear baby boy, I hope you are.  I believe so since you visited your sister in a dream once years ago.  That visitation inspired me to write a children's book about sibling loss.  I haven't finished it yet, but at least I did start on it.  I hope it can help children work through some of the same feelings, thoughts, and questions we all have had.

Two years ago my coworkers helped me with a balloon release on your birth date and at the time you were born sleeping, 3:00 pm.  It was really sweet and cathartic.  We sang Happy Birthday to you and released the balloons.  It was a neat experience.

Last year I didn't really want to do anything like that again so soon but decided I would like to get a tattoo to honor you and somewhat feel you close to me.  I then decided I'd wait till this year to commemorate the 25th anniversary of your passing.  I plan to get it soon.  It will be of your footprints with your name and birth date and maybe some angel wings or something else fitting.  Of course, I'll post a picture on my blog when I get it.

You would be proud of your sister and brother.  Tori graduated from SFA this past May and is a 7th grade writing teacher!  Trevor is in his sophomore year at SFA, and last semester he made the President's Honor Roll!  I am certainly very proud of both of them.

I'll never forget you and will always wonder what you would look like now and what you would be doing with your life.  I'll always remember the life that kicked and fluttered away under my heart.  I'll always remember how excited I was to become your mother.  I still remember the first time I heard your heartbeat.  It turned out it would be the only time I heard your heartbeat.  It was so strong.  I had no reason then to think anything was or could be wrong.  Like I said, I believe God had something better planned for you.  Maybe you were just too beautiful for Earth.

I only knew you for a little while, but even then, you made me smile.  :)

Until we meet again, my angel baby...

Love,
Mom

This Saturday will be 24 years.  I don't care how old I get, I'll always remember this baby, this angel baby of mine.  I had a book event this Saturday, but due to some construction issues, the event has been turned into two events, of which I've opted to attend the latter rather than the one this Saturday.  Last year I did a balloon release to celebrate his birthday.  This year I had planned to put his footprints in a frame at my table with some paper so my readers could leave birthday greetings if they chose to do so.  It may sound weird or morbid, but I believe it's a positive way to remember him.  It's much better than lying in bed all day crying.

So...Now that the book event hiccup is being cured, and I'm going to be at this event this Saturday, I'm thinking of other things to do to celebrate his birthday.  If you've read my previous posts on this blog about Tyler, then you know I have no ashes or grave site to go visit.  All I literally have are his footprints.  My daughter got a tattoo a few years ago in honor of him, and....I'm thinking of doing the same thing!!!  I didn't want to do another balloon release this year.  I want to do something different but meaningful.  Now what kind of tat do I want????  Good question.  I could go with what my daughter did and literally get his tattoo that is on his "birth" certificate with his name and birth date on it, or I could do an angel baby or a butterfly or ????  I am going to Google baby memory tattoos or something like that and see what comes up.  I'll post a pic once it's done!

UPDATE:

Well, I went for a consultation last night.  I liked what I heard the guy could do, but he wants to charge me between $60-$80, and right now I really can't afford that.  I will think about it, and maybe by next weekend I'll change my mind once I get paid.  I know I DO want a tattoo to honor my angel baby, and I want it soon.

Today I didn't really do too much.  I thought about Tyler and told him "Happy Birthday", but it was pretty much a somber day.  I ran a few errands and mostly slept as I wasn't feeling so great.  The weather was yucky, too, so maybe that had something to do with it.

Like I said, once I get the tattoo, I'll post a pic!

Till then....Hugs to all!

Well, today was the day.  The day that I never forget.  The day I always wonder.  The day I'll never get over losing my baby.  I know I'll probably be 100 and still know there's something missing in my life.

I did ok today.  The weather was rather fitting as it was ugly and overcast today and rained some off and on.  I shed a few tears on the way to work.  That's nothing compared to the number of tears of shed when I took my lunch break and went to Dollar Tree to buy the balloons.  I walked in and told the cashier what I needed.  When she gave me a quizzical look, I then briefly told her my story to explain why I wanted so many balloons.  Of course, this was the day everyone in the store wanted balloons so I got some other looks in addition to "quizzical".  LOL I told them "sorry" but I was there first!  It seemed to take forever for the cashier to put helium in 25 balloons.  I got 23 balloons(mostly blue but got a few other colors as well as one with sports stuff on it) for Tyler.  I got 1 "Happy Birthday" since today IS his birthday.  I also got a pink one with "Princess" on it for my boss since she lost a baby girl in a similar situation, and she claims that she is the Queen of the World.  Really.  It's on her business card, and she is wearing her tiara in her driver's license photo.  ;)  Anyway, I got the balloons, paid for them, and wrangled them SOMEHOW into my 4-door sedan.  Yeah...it was no easy task.  I was kinda hoping I had brought someone to help me with the balloons or at least take a video of my hilarious moves to keep ALL the balloons from floating away.  However, I got my exercise and all 25 balloons into the car and went on my way back to work.  I decided to give Boss Lady her balloon first and let her decide if she wanted to keep it or release it when I released my balloons.  That's when I lost it.  I came back in, clocked in and proceeded to her office.  I told her, "I hope you don't mind, but I got J a balloon, too," and the floodgates opened wide.  We were both crying and hugging, supporting each other.  From that moment on this afternoon, I didn't sob, but I did cry silently for most of the time I remained at the office.  By the time I left, I was emotionally exhausted.  I was ready to get the balloon release over with and done, go pick up Trevor from school, and go home to eat and go to bed.  Around 3:30 I shut down my computer and clocked out.  I took a Sharpie and wrote a few messages on the balloons from me, Tori, Trevor, and his dad.  My boss and a few coworkers wanted to be part of the release, and I can't tell you how much that meant to me that they would want to take part in something they had no history of just to support me at a time that they know is difficult for me.  After all the balloons were handed out, I said that maybe we should say a few words or pray or something, but it couldn't be me because I was about to break down and cry.  So boss lady suggests we sing "Happy Birthday".  Singing that also makes me cry, but I agreed it was a great idea so we all sang and then let all my balloons go.  It was really cool and cathartic to see them float toward the sky, up, up, and away toward my baby boy.  Then boss lady and her husband released their balloon.  We all hugged and cried.  I felt warm-hearted and loved to have so much support from my work family.

Well, tomorrow marks another year since I lost my baby boy.  23 years....This time 23 years ago I was at home anticipating what the next day would be like.  It was HELL!  I've already talked about that in my first post.  Tomorrow I am going to do a balloon release in honor of Tyler.  I am going to get 23 balloons, preferably all blue, and 1 that says, "Happy Birthday" on it...one to "grow" on.  I think this is finally a healthy, poignant way in which I can deal with my loss.  I will be at work, but my boss has had a similar experience and is very understanding.  At 3:00, I'm going to clock out because once I release those balloons, I won't be any good to them after that.  That's actually a good thing.  I need to literally let the tears flow, and let it go or at least start trying to let it go.  That doesn't mean I'll ever forget or grieve or miss him, but I can start a process that's long overdue.  My life drastically changed the day I lost him.  A part of me died, and I want it back.  I'll post pics tomorrow.